I don't understand what you mean when you said
it just doesn't make sense to me.(His weight is unimaginable -- a scarecrow's laugh)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Judging by your style of writing, any deadwood, cliches and wordy similes should be cut. You've always been down to the point. I'd hate to be a hypocrite, but it's a bit superfluous. Also, I think "a kiss like a paper cut" was in the lyrics of a Hawthorne Heights song, but I could be wrong.
A long, simple metaphor. I get it, but I think saying "His weight is / matched a scarecrow's laugh" would generally be less choppy.
The last lines of your poems are always amazing - do you start there and work backward?
I liked it but it is a bit confusing.
And I don't really get how his arm could cross the arch of his nose... *trys it* I guess you could, but it is very awkward and makes your nose hurt...
And the title, "Stay away from me" It doesnt really fit in with the poem.
It is a good poem though, and I love the line about the scarecrow's luagh.
I liked that bit, but the rest just confused me.
(The great Brad does it again.) I think a lot of our less talented poets (well, that's about 99.9999% of YWS) could learn a lot from what you've done here.
This, the opening, was probably the weakest part. Comparing "his breath" to "slow-rolling fog" doesn't do much for me. I feel as though I've read it before.For example, the scarecrow's laugh line is excellent. Not only is it a great simile, it shows the ability of a poet to draw on the connotations of words to create a neat image. It made me think.
I also think that the interjection about his skin being the color of rye is unnecessary. It's a decent image, but I find it irrelevant and awkward compared to the rest of the poem. Admittedly it's better than, "His eyes are like clear pools..." *gags* but I think the poem would be more helped than hurt if it went bye-bye.
This, too, made me feel like I had read it somewhere else. It's one of those things you sort of subconsciously skip over or disregard on the first read-through and shrug off upon going back.
On a formatting/punctuation note, I wondered why the speaker's first one-line thought ("Rye. His skin is the color of rye.") was italicized and had a period at the end, while the second thought ("(His weight is unimaginable -- a scarecrow's laugh)") was put into parentheses and did not have a period, or anything else for that matter, at the end.
-Colleen
A lovely line in itself, but it doesn't seem consistent with the wording of "we once hovered above this bed" [eh, on second thought, maybe it does; something to think about if you haven't done so already, at any rate.] It's different, but that's what makes it just as interesting. Not a word wasted, of course. I like the idea/image/what-have-you of the balloons. [between the rye, the scarecrow, and the balloons, it made me think of The Wizard of Oz.]
I am very confused?
It starts out like a rape scene and then ends up being a silly scarcrow helium balloon?????
I really don't know what you mean.
Okay, you had some good images in the poem, but there needs to be more. I don't know why the character in this poem is doing what they do. It feels kind of empty. Don't give a whole history, but tell the reader why. What happened that made the situation change? What about the kiss brought them back?
Besides that, very nice job.